3.3.14

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I promised myself that if I made it to March 3, 2014 without incident, if five years after spending time in a frightening locked prison like ward (that I force myself not to forget), from which I emerged forever changed, I would write about how I felt, no matter what. So here goes:
In five years I blew through a lot of money. I had help. I have lost a lot of material things due to a recent change I made in my life, but I am pretty okay with it, I have my art collection, that’s what matters to me.
I am more tolerant of my own faults and of the faults of others. I have made friends and enjoyed people that a previous me would not have enjoyed. Tolerance is important.
I exercise a lot, it helps me concentrate.
It takes me much less time than it used to to write people off. Whereas before I might continually give the benefit of the doubt to an acquaintance or friend or whatever, now I believe in myself more and therefore when I get the feeling, based on observation, that someone with whom I have been spending time has the potential to be a corrosive force in my life I walk away. Don’t need that. I do a lot of volunteer work, it makes me happy to help others and I have tried to prioritize this use of my time. When I arrive at the conclusion that I will have a lot of downtime for whatever reason, I look for more volunteer activities. It is a fucked up world and there are a lot of people in pain, and it has become very important to me to use my not insignificant level of education and ability to try and address said world.

Some of my old friends have become very successful and that gives me a lot of joy.
Some of my new friends have no idea what I used to be like. I am not that person anymore, for better or for worse, and I am okay with that.

Some stuff I used to do I don’t do anymore.

Hurricane Sandy changed me.

I stopped writing anything literary for a while and only wrote legal stuff, but recently started editing some old bullshit and am now on draft two of the poker/LIC novel and have a bunch of short stories that need to get pulled together as well. Lots of writing still to come.
I spend a lot of time outdoors, surrounded by nature. I love nature, always have, but enjoying it on a regular basis, as a New Yorker, can be a bit of a challenge.

I am still a bitch but I try very hard to be a more polite bitch. This actually makes me a pretty good at my vocation. (You know what this is, don’t you?) I have not had a cigarette in several motherfucking years and that makes some people very jealous. Sometimes if I stand near someone who is smoking I will dream about smoking that night.

I am grateful to people who have trusted/believed in me.

I still have a very serious illness; I have a lot more experience in dealing with it and in trusting myself in conjunction with what some doctor who does not know me and has not known me as long as I have thinks I should do.

Some days are better than others. I try to be very grateful, especially when something completely unprecedented happens. I still think about 9/11 all the time.
At this particular moment I feel very happy… and I know that might change before I am done editing this.
I am looking forward to my next trip.
And one more thing that I deleted. xo.

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